Ramblings #21 - Under a Dark and Lonely Roof

"Aside from myself, there was no sign of me.” 

It’s almost midnight once again. And here I am, alone in space unbound. When I came to Bangalore, one of the first thoughts was of no flatmates. It’s not as if my past experience rendered me bitter, but it’s that which convinced my isolation.

Alone is what I am. Alone protects me.

It isn’t sadness that accompanies these lines, but a curiosity. Where does the thread to self-sufficiency end and loneliness begins? What is the difference between being alone and feeling alone?

A favourite writer of mine once pondered as to whether the earth was put here just to nourish human loneliness. I do not have an answer – people are too different, too complex for them to be the beneficiary of a single mentality.

I often am not sure about my own. What is my answer? I certainly don’t crave to be aloof. It’s more about what I think is right for me. And some days, we become more overbearing on ourselves than our expectant parents could ever be. Cruel reflections of visages we strive to avoid.

But there is one truth. Absolute.

Loneliness is always about others. People you care for, people you love.

Her.

It’s impossibly bleak - this dependence, because it is capricious in nature. They will not always be there and in certain cases, they are nothing more than a want. Their existence limited to that longing, and never rooted to the lanes that frame your daily life.

And if they do find life in reality, it’s often disappointment. A chasm appears between great expectations and harsh understanding. Love is often one sided, and that heralds a dementia consuming your entire being. 

Try being lonely in love. I don’t think doctors would recommend it.

It’s painful irony that in such a case, your existence is the one in question. That person isn’t lonely in your absence. Maybe she is in someone else’s. We are all human after all.

So bear me as certain, for I am not alone.

I am not comfortable being by myself, looking up at the dark roof wondering how everything is caving in. 

I am lonely.

And I am learning that I have to be okay with it. Maybe one day, when age has rendered me with experience, with scars too personal to not bear, I will be.

Yes. I am learning.......

To be alone.