Languid weekends with surprising and wonderful encounters left me with a smile affixed on my relaxed visage, even as a bright iris falls hidden under the heavy brows of a contented soul. But the true miscreant is the sun whose glare turns pleasant and wicked in amusement at my resting state. The smile remains true despite it all.
You don't deserve this.
Where did that noxious whisper arise out of? The smile falters even as the lips begin to quiver in doubt. We are never in fear of what we know - it is the unknown that destroys our peace of mind. The smile comes back, a little forced as if fighting the indignity of stage fright. I know I...
You don't deserve this.
An interruption! Where did it come from? What beastly source of ridicule troubles me so, as anger starts to encompass a weary heart. An intense glare fills my cerebellum as I ready myself for detection.
And lo and behold...........
You don't deserve this.
With an involuntary gasp that thankfully does not concern the driver, I realize the voice. So devastatingly familiar yet so easy to discern if only I were not so blind. It was my tongue that uttered those shameful words, as my brain finds fault with my serenity.
The one of smiles is the one of sorrows. The battle is mine - to lose or to win. But who do I fight? What do I fight? For there is truth in it's words, for it tells of me. Can a man lie to himself? The claustrophobia bubbling within my own self threatens to drown me.
Decidedly I say - so what? So what if I didn't deserve all this. I have it now, let me cherish it. Without doubt or hesitance! I know not what I deserve, only what I get.
And I am blessed to have had those experiences, no matter what state they left me in. I found pain, I found joy - what right have I to deserve the ability to understand whether I deserve those moments or not?
So stay here, demon in my mind. Stay close. We are bedfellows, and even if such words be truth, why hurry away from them. Embrace the folly and move forward in jest.
And the smile comes again just as the sun sets on a battle well won. The war is still not over, it may never be. But how glorious it is to fight!
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